Hardcore pleasure

   "Of all the means which wisdom acquires to ensure happiness throughout the whole of life, by far the most important is friendship." Epicurus 371-270 B.C

Epicurus is often misquoted in the context of culinary pleasure or hedonism, but this is a gross misrepresentation of a complex and radically opposing view to all of his contemporaries including Plato and Aristotle- a view that everything that is, is the sum total of our sensory perception combined with "the mind's eye", and that the ultimate happiness occurs when all these senses are pleasured. For Epicurus, and his disciples like me!, its when GOOD FRIENDS, GOOD FOOD AND GOOD CONVERSATION is enjoyed in a beautiful environment.

I devoted 18 hours this weekend to the pursuit of hardcore Epicureanism.

From Sydney's finest seafood restaurant (PIER) where even the fish are killed thoughtfully "iki-jime style" by specially-trained fishermen to ensure minimal stress to fish and flesh, to a self-confessed kitchen-klutz cooking her first meal for friends today, at the age of 55 and in a borrowed house with 6 of us staying for 6 hours and the best ever time! There's a deeper story there, but it proves, with friends, you can take risks, be yourself, expose your vulnerabilities and know that even if you stuff up completely, they won't care because they came for you!

A common thread through many of these interesting friends is a colourful life full of diversity. There's poverty, hardship, migration, success, riches, loss, death, alcoholism, divorce, marriage, hardship again, success again, marriage again, divorce again, bankruptcy, stock exchange listings, to BRW list of wealthiest...all coupled with incredible minds, resilience, sincerity, humour, humility, and humanity.

From a tough childhood in the poorest of poor in Nova Scotia and daily beatings by hoodlums to a brilliant legal practice in Australia, from Catholic backwaters in Ireland to a female director on several boards in an era where such occurrences are still a miracle; from Australia's most prestigious event management company to a risky business venture that flopped and wiped out a lifetime's accumulated wealth, but not the friendships that mattered; from prospecting for months in tents in the remote Yukon or steamy Borneo to CEO of a global mining corporation...but not all were high-flyers, some just like me, but all offering warmth and something of themselves. How blessed am I to have such friends, break bread with them, share their stories, pain and pleasure and share mine with them?

The thing I enjoy most about these people is their groundedness. They are always the same. None of them have a need to be heard, impress, or compete. These people know who they are, don't have to prove a damn thing to anyone, and are genuinely interested in others, no matter how humble. They listen with great attentiveness, and look to learn what they can. They are widely read, have a deep knowledge of politics, world events, social issues, open minds with personal views balanced by perspectives of both sides, whether the Middle-Eastern war or environmental degradation in our own backyard, Sydney Harbour.

They also give back. Without fail, every single one is involved in some or other community activity (not high-visibility glamour causes for show -just the local Rotary club table at the markets once a month or reading to the Alzheimer patients at the local home) that requires a commitment of personal time, not dollars.

Epicurus - mate, you got it! There is no greater gift than the great conversation of brilliant minds, enjoyed in the warmth and depth of friendship, while feasting on yummy food and wine, under a clear blue sky and warm sun on an azure harbour.

Death by chocolate

   Hmmmm...I have a yummy new friend, and the kinky bastard is killing me!

Not only do I have to battle his razor-sharp legal mind and barristerial wit but, under extreme torture, am being inducted into the dark, dreamy, creamy underworld of the Aztec cocoa miracle and purveyors thereof.

His winter evening ritual is to invite me over for a nightcap consisting of hot Belgian couverture chocolate sipped from little round ceramic pots, slunken into deep leather armchairs, waves lapping 10 metres away as we toast our toes by the real wood fire and talk about his world of villains and vice, with a dash of spice.

Now, sampling the finest chocolates from around the world does not ordinarily pose a problem to women, but distinguishing different flavours and textures while blindfolded, and having mistakes punished in rather lascivious ways is a kind of punishment a girl could become a slave to!

Needless to say...the kids think they've died and gone to heaven because mum is dating the Easter Bunny! Hmmm...think I should balance all of this by giving the City-to-Surf fella a sporting chance with me- chocolate by moonlight and push-ups at sunrise?

Wonder what the Heart Foundation would recommend for lunch? A carrot farmer?

The age of discontinuity

  
Recently, I was told that my sweetness and light halo was cracked because in a moment of extreme provocation, my "dark side" was glimpsed.

I have spent many hours thinking about what that meant and how I felt about that statement. I guess its against an expectation that girls are meant to be sugar and spice and all things nice. Most of my life I have played that part...peacemaker, harmoniser, daddy's sweet lil girl, mum's pillar of strength, sister, girlfriend, wife, and mother...trying to make everyone happy and worrying about myself last.

I also contemplated that statement in the context of some leadership and culture stuff we are doing at work, where we are using a pride of lions as a symbol of high-performing teams, not without contention, because some believe lions are not a good example because they are not always purring pussycats.

Leaning philosophically towards Eastern philosophies and the notion of balancing yin and yang energies, and even considering the ecosystems of the natural world, I find it hard to understand how anyone can expect others to be the same ALL THE TIME- sweetness and light in rain or shine, notwithstanding challenges, hormonal cycles, and the stuff that makes up life.

Of course we have dark sides, of course we lose it at times!!!

If we didnt have these dimensions, be that aggression, sadness, drive, power etc, we would be the equivalent of blanc mange - a great big tasteless jelly incapable of achieving great things, crashing through hurdles, scaling barriers, loving deeply, living passionately. Its all a matter of channelling energy - and if the Yang energy dominates at times, its about recognising it, and in an evolved consciousness, restoring balance as quickly and as often as one can.

But alas, the discontinuous world in which we live, where one person households and single parenting is statistically more the norm than the exception, energies get out of sync and most don't have the luxury of time-out, holidays or even a baby-sitter as they struggle to simply make ends meet and survive.

At 3am this morning, I was reading a book that looked at the growing trend of homelessness across the globe. Yes, its real and yes, it happens to more and more people as they fall victim to the mechanics of modern life, discontinuity in marriage, employment and sustaining connections of any kind. The biggest impact- as always- is on women and children who were dependent on a father/ husband as breadwinner.

Interestingly though, evidence indicates that the ones who cope best with discontinuity and creating new survival habits, are those who grew up in family units headed up by females. The reason is not because women are better at parenting, its because women know about sacrifice, making trade-offs, adapting, and creating a life in spite of having dreams for self-actualisation interrupted by family, marriage, childbirth, divorce, caring for the young, the old, the sick, the insane. Of course, there's more to it.

The author (Mary Catherine Bateson) goes on to examine the lives of women and the role of caring, and states that "to be nurturant is not always to concur and comfort, to stroke and flatter, to please and appease. Often, it requires offering a caring version of the truth, grounded in reality. Real care includes both the cold shower and the scented tub. Self-care is about setting priorities and limits."

I re-read that paragraph a few times. INDEED! This coming from a Harvard Professor of Education and daughter of the world's most famous anthropologist, Margaret Mead. This book, titled "Composing a life" offers a radical rethinking of the concept of achievement, and suggests that fluidity, flexibility, openness - the adaptive style of women that succeed in spite of setbacks -are the key survival traits for the age of discontinuity in which we live.

I read that, and take comfort that as a survivor of a discontinued marriage, discontinued income (at times), discontinued country of residence, discontinued friendships through death and moving, and discontinued family support structure - my ability to care, nurture and support two young lives is largely thanks to my "dark side", my animal instinct and female ability to sacrifice self and adapt, but also setting priorities and limits so that I don't crumble in the process.

Yes, your energy gets imbalanced. Yes, you have stronger Yang. No, much as you want to be sugar and spice and only nice, you cannot be soft and feminine and yielding and dependent and sweet and light all the time - a solitary leopardess in a foreign environment, no back-up family or team, with cubs dependent on only her ability to adapt...adapts! They survive, they even thrive!

I have abandoned the notion of being the perfect woman in terms of some out-of-sync ideal. Without conceipt, I am proud of what I juggle everyday without dropping balls: socio-economically contributing migrant, successful business executive, loving 24/7 parent, homemaker, friend and sexy goddess, to name a few.

I know that I am raising a generation of girls who will get up and go riding waves again and again even when life's rhythms and patterns dump them- repeatedly!

We are women- hear us ROAR!

The re-inforcing cycle

   Tony Blair wants to make a "culture of respect" a central tenet of his final term of office. There has been an interesting debate on it in the British media...I will leave a few links here for those who want to explore.
I wonder if Mr Blair was reading my mind, because I have been thinking quite a lot on the subject of respect and manners myself in recent times!!! To me, the two go hand in hand.

One can learn the right way to pronounce and eat "escargot" or lobster carapaces from a book or a finishing school sheep dip, but can you learn how to be a decent human being in a one month or even one year crash course? I think not.

What is the purpose and foundation of manners and respect?

It stems from empathy for others and awareness of the fact that we all share this universe, and that in order to live in harmony, there is a give and take in terms of rights and responsibilities. These are values that are ingrained from early childhood, and are copied from the behaviour of parents firstly, and teachers and friends in the second instance.

In a culture of "me, me, me" wanting it all "now, now, now", where communication is instantaneous, where relationships are started and ended in less than 140 characters on a mobile fone screen, where people are "deleted", where pollution is "outsourced" and finished goods "insourced", where we trade our connectedness to reality and live virtually in several simultaneous imagined lives and under alter egos and avatars (Ms Maverick being one such an example-granted!), its a consequence that awareness of self, impact on others and flow-on consequences to environment and society is diluted and possibly lost- and along with it, respect and manners.

Much as I love technology and adopt it fast, I get personally irked by the accompanied lack of manners in its use. Take instant messaging as an example.

Why would one forget one's manners of polite interaction in this medium? Why would you not "knock" before entering, enquire if its convenient to talk, remember that the person at the other end has a real life and is in fact real, maintain politeness as if you are talking face to face, acknowledge one another, close a conversation politely with a goodbye or something equally civil?

The mobile phone these days follow you everywhere, but its still a good idea before launching into your life story to check that its convenient for the other to take the call! Always on doesn't mean eveready!

But these are trivial examples in the bigger scheme of things. Where is the downstream impact of lack of respect more blatantly obvious than in our environment?
Or at the ugly interface between cultures and races? I have seen people who pride themselves on fine manners and sophistication lose the veneer entirely when it comes to someone that is not from the same socio-political and economic demographics. Yes, it has a name...anything that ends in "ism"

I think this is the dilemma that multi-cultural societies face in maintaining a culture of respect and good manners. It has to go beyond ethno-centricity. No finishing school can fix this. If we don't nurture empathy for others regardless of creed or colour in our homes and in every building block of education along the way, no laws will fix it retrospectively.

Manners and respect are grown and cultivated from within...its a value rather than a technique, or a finishing coat slapped on in a fine private school or crash-course in Lausanne. They reflect who you are more than where you live, what school you attend, what wealth you enjoy, what colour your skin or what you wear on your head- be that a beret, a burkah, a beanie, a baseball cap, a turban, a top-hat or a fez!

Children who learn empathy for others and the concept of systemic thinking (understanding that everything is connected and affects everything else), will recognise for themselves what is the right thing to do in any situation.

The most amazing thing about it though is how respect, and lack thereof, is recycled. The more you give respect, the more you get it from others. The more disrespect you dish out, the more you are disrespected. Its a simple equation.

New beginnings

  I made a big decision 10 days ago. To let go. To let go of all hurt. All anger. To forgive and forget. To open up and be receptive to the universe and its loving again. And that has made all the difference.

I had brought down the shutters after a meaningful relationship went pear-shaped early this year. Perhaps its a natural reaction and nature's way of self-healing, although some people leap from one relationship or marriage straight into the next, not taking time to reflect, improve self-awareness, seek feedback or learn from why and how you got there and what is the meaning of it all.

Each to their own, but I think if you dont have a period of quarantine, you could end up repeating the same patterns or attracting the same type of mis-match to your wants and needs.

When you are down there in the dark place, your chemistry shows through, just as it does when you throw that mantle off and emerge happy and optimistic and energetic. The lights in eyes start flickering again, the smile plays on lips, the face glows. And what happens? You become a people magnet! The right sort of people! Those who want light and life and love and positivity and hope - with a focus and a passion and a purpose and a plan.

Sounds like such a cliche....but cliches become cliches because they are proven right over time.

Suffice to say, I had a wonderful time in the snow, socialising with fun people, making new friends, dancing for hours and having great conversations with my cubs. Their thoughts are forming and their curiosity about the world and politics, and what makes it all go around, is being tickled.

Back on the homefront, the social calendar is full with theatre, winter season of opera, overseas visitors, tennis and the odd weekend away...so, La Vita e Bella!
Cub1 is still home till 24th and both are with Bluebeard for the weekend, so I have a bit of freedom and will be making the most of every minute! Ben Elton live at the Capitol on Friday, tennis Saturday, dinner party Saturday night and Sunday we start NIDA course to set young Cub on her dream to fame and fortune as an actress.

I have also started my secret squirrel project. The business plan and marketing plan are both advanced, but cant say anymore otherwise it wont be a secret squirrel! But all may be revealed when legalities are taken care of! Suffice to say, much fun is had by all!

Thanks for putting up with me in the Dark Ages. I'm back....better and stronger and happier!

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone ...

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived,
reclaimed and redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw out anybody. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm. As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands. One for helping yourself, the other for helping others.

Sam Levenson 

Funniest relationship advice ever...

Came across this tonight, SIMPLY HAVE TO SHARE IT!...Its NOT American Mid-West White Right-wing values like John Gray's Venus/ Mars thing, but practical speak from Downunder...Ms Maverick would love to hear waht YOU think? Mail me by using the comments button below.
A manual called "She'll be right" by Dr David Lake who explains relationships with light-hearted humour AND serious stuff.

Here's a thought-provoking and humorous approach to how to put up with "the baddie"

Dr Lake also does an interesting programme on Sharemarket Trading without fear and negative emotions...see http://www.eftdownunder.com/Oztrading.html

 
Cool Cub progressed from Ground Zero in snowboarding in France last year to Junior Instructor with 48 hours of training all up across the two seasons...go my little super athlete! 

Hotham is HOT!

 
Its official. I am old.

I am craving silence. Nature's silence...the soft woosh of falling snowflakes, wind whistling through structures erected in its way and ice sliding down roofs and crashing- sounds in harmony with the soft, cloudy, muffled white landscape that my soul is drinking in.

I am on top of a mountain. Mount Hotham in the Victorian Alps.
But no matter to which far corner of the village I retreat, I can't escape the plasma TVs blasting with repeated monotony the latest concerts of Pete Murray, Jack Johnson, Norah Jones, Robbie Williams, Greenday. I don't mind any of them, I own music by all of them, but its not the kind of "blank canvas" that silence or classical music allows the mind to paint its own pictures on - it invades, claims, disrupts, and yes, annoys!

There is a White restaurant and a White Spa here. Perhaps some lounge where only White Noise (and no kids!) is permitted for old fogies like me to sit quietly and contemplate navels will be my contribution to the guest suggestions form?

But the above is my only gripe. And I should place it in the context of consistently excellent service, quality facilities and fun activities we have enjoyed on this spectacular mountain.

After our last dismal Australian holiday in the Whitsundays, I held low expectations of another local holiday in this sparsely populated land with accute labour shortage where a culture of egalitarianism seems to run contra to a service orientation.

But, I have been bowled over by Mt Hotham. Even before arrival, every contact I had with the Hotham Skiing Company and its Central Reservations office was a positive experience-and how many call centres could you say that about? Questions were answered in a friendly, patient and helpful manner, and when anyone needed to check on something, they actually rang ME back! Get that? And, they use sms to send you a snow report and activities schedule prior to your arrival.

Check-in cemented those first impressions, and every day since, we have been surprised and delighted by ultra-helpful staff in every corner of the resort. From the shuttle-bus drivers (and what a dull job they must have driving up and down a mountain every 10 minutes, 17 hours a day! yet they look like they genuinely love it), to the spa-staff (none of those snooty beauty parlour types here!) to the kitchen-hand in the coffee shop who found a guest service officer to answer questions she couldn't (not the usual snort and shrug of shoulders you'd get from busy cafe staff).

When I met the CEO over Welcome Drinks on Sunday night, I understood. A youthful and passionate Canadian with a clear purpose and message: "Everyone is here for a good time, not a long time! If the guests have a good time, the staff do too, and vice versa."He looks after BOTH!

The natural beauty of the mountains, great snowfalls and good food helped to create pleasure for every sense, and the Alpine Regional Council and resort developers have to be singled out for national recognition in creating something with a strong, distinctive and uniquely attractive Australian Design that dances in harmony with the environment and the snow culture. I can't wait to see the new Bale complex completed! Well done architects.

In short, we'll be back! And we'll be telling our friends and the world. 

Furry Snowbunny

 
Cub1 took this pic and told me i look like something out of the fifties! Thanks kids...seeing I am nearly 50, well, perhaps I should just get used to it! What do you reckon? 

Big Brother Cold Turkey

 
A week ago, I had no idea what a Turkey Slap was. And now, I can order one at The General Pub&Grub at Mt Hotham, where I am holidaying. It comes only in extra-large and on extra-thick crust (yip, the chef's a boy!), topped with shaved turkey, creamy brie, rocket and cranberry sauce! I don't think I can face it-that's one turkey that leaves me cold!

Seeing everyone has had something to say about THAT SHOW, I may as well wade into the mud-wrestling too!

The only thing stupider than Big Brother is those who watch it. That includes quite a few people who I thought better of, but then again, boys being boys even though they be the 40-year old Managing Directors of major companies, maybe they are so sex-starved that the hint of nipple or fleshy buttock is enough to keep them glued to it for hours! Geez, don't they know there are quicker ways to get a fix?

I don't mind Big Brother-its never even featured on my radar till now. In fact, I kind of thought it must beat watching fish swim around in a glass tank if you are one of those poor people manning toll booths or monitoring security cameras at Parliament House in the wee hours of the morning. Besides, the controversial footage was aired only via internet streaming at 4:15 am on a Sunday morning- hardly family viewing time and quite frankly, good luck to anyone who had nothing better to do at such a time!

But even stupider than those watching it are those that watch it and THEN demand it be banned. Don't they know where the “off button” of their TV is located? No-one in my home watches it, but that's more because they recognise it as mindless drivel than any imposed ban.

I am with the journo who said: "What do you expect of a reality TV show? Disney?"

Everyday out in the real world where alcohol & drugs, testosterone and the sexes get mixed, these incidents occur. Women have been at the receiving end of predatory sexual males asserting dominance by shoving their manhood down their throats since Adam was a boy. Nothing new there, and nothing wrong with it if its mutual desire. And therein the nub (knob?) of the matter!

Perhaps this incident and all the furore will alert our daughters more to exploitation, what constitutes acceptable and lady-like behaviour on their behalf, situations to avoid, the boundaries between play and force and the difference between a gentleman and an animal. And perhaps it will alert our sons more to the consequences of alcohol, mob mentality, thinking with your dick, how to woo a woman instead of forcing yourself and your genitals on her.

If that is an outcome, I say hooray for the Turkey Slap!

But the real turkeys here are the fame-famished young people who allow themselves to be conned, manipulated, exploited, set-up, humiliated and violated by the money-and ratings-hungry producers of that show. Big Brother sure is alive and in control of you. 

Commercial break-go get a cuppa!

ze petit purrrrgeot is packed, a case of champagne too...and this blog will resume once we have safely arrived and run out of immediate priorities that need taking care of, like cracking da bubbly and getting the cubs out on the slopes and booking massages and hot rock therapies for da mamee cat.

Thanks for all the messages and feedback...greatly enjoyed...and while I may be a bit slack on the correspondence, I will try and keep up the flow of funny stories. Aint't life grand?

Mouths of babes et al

Having the cubs back at le castle sure turns up the humour! Today, walking past a dental surgery of one doctor Gordon Fang (!!!), the subject turned to (ab)sur (d)names! Like how come a guy called Keith Urban sings country music? Or isnt it fitting that Russell Crowe has finally turned to crooning instead of acting?

But we were in store for more entertainment: While watching a movie today where in one scene a fat man was undergoing some "slimming treatments and scrubs", Cub 2, aged 8, asked: Why are they covering him in Guacamole?" (Her only reference point to anything green and creamy comes from a love for Mexican!)

Cub2's innocence was again priceless when Big Sis, fresh back for first holidays from all-girls boarding school, complained about having to learn how to apply a condom to a banana (this subject is taught when they turn 16).

"What's a condom?" asks Cub2. "Its like...errr..... a jacket/wrapper thingie to protect a ....er....ehm...watchamacallit during sex", replies Cub1, blushing fuscia-pink.

"I don't get it", comes the little voice, "why would you need it if bananas come in their own jacket???!"

Well, what can you say...the logic of babes! But click here for a commercial flash to support innovative condom application in Zululand.

But the family record on the laughometer still stands for this one!

During a breezy evening out, while 75 year-old grandma visited from Cape Town last December, she asked Cub1, in thick South African accent: "Please hold my crotch, darling, I'm feeling a little cold!" Cub1's eyes nearly popped out. "No really Grandma, I know we're family and all that, but aren't you taking things a bit far?"

This may need a little explaining: The South African accent makes "uh" sounds a bit like "o", and after a hip replacement op, Grandma uses a crutch to support her when standing or walking, and on this occassion needed to free up her hands with Cub1's help to put on a jacket in the cool evening air. Given that grandma also used the crutch on occassion as a WOMD (Weapon Of Mass Destruction) for unruly grandchildren, said instrument was not exactly the object of much affection among ze cubs!

Snow leopards

Still hurting from kitting the cubs out for the snow and a new snow leopard coat for da mama cat, but can't wait to get down there! Car is being serviced and anti-frozen today (more ouch!), stocking up on bubbles and red grape juice at Dan Murphy's tonight to make sure we don't dehydrate and temporary butler is waiting in the wings to wait on King Mewtu at Balmoral Castle while we're having snowball fights!

If you can fit in a few wall sits and squats, leg lunges and stair climbs between now and the weekend to get ski-fit, we have spare bedroom in apartment at White Crystal, Mount Hotham...so more than welcome to drop in! Friend from Singapore had booked to join us but politics between the Swedes, Japanese and Thais on Project Orange forced a postponement.

I can jump puddles

Had a perfect day. Well...as darn near perfect as can be...6 hours of me-time while kids visited Bluebeard. I spent it luxuriating in sunlight with no fixed agenda. And then...a serendipidous encounter with a stranger over breakfast at the beach! Who knows what a day can bring?

Breakfast turned into a walk, a walk turned into jumps across Balmoral's rockpools (click link for photos), marvelling at starfish, counting the sails of a hundred yachts floating past, waiving at skin-divers & kayakers, warm winter sun on skin, and just talking - from Nietszche and Gaugin to Tchaikovsky and punk-rock, from growing Christmas trees to the challenges of innovation, from the mid-night sun at Trondheim to homeopathy, from starsign nonsense to mid-life crises, from the sensory effects of voice to the school syllabus!

Before I knew it, it was time to fetch children, buy catfood and bring in the washing. As I waved goodbye, I realised I didnt even know his name. But what does it matter? It was perfection in a bubble.

Barbieland et al

Thanks for all the feedback and shared stories on BBQ buying...we've all had a good laugh! The bloody great big Jolly Jumbuk arrived in all his square and shiny ugliness, devoid of artistic design and the worst set of casters relative to size you've ever seen. Damn...why aren't the Italians or Scandinavians designing these things- they'd be much more elegant!

But...it works well and the cubs love it! The castle is overflowing with young children this weekend and the weather has forgotten its mid-winter so its al fresco breakfast, lunch and dinner till the novelty has worn off!

Will just have to go back for more toys...scrapers and covers and polish 'n stuff and perhaps a fella who can do the cooking instead!

a forgotten art?

Listening...

Several unrelated events triggered these musings...the first a snippet of fluff from a freebie newsrag I read on the ferry, dispensing my horrorscope for the day, stressing: "You must resolve relationship issues through communication, not by worrying alone or trying to find all the answers in your own head"

The second jumped out from a conference paper I downloaded that contained this profound quote ..."There are two kinds of listeners: Those who listen, and those who are waiting to speak."

The third dot joining these points in a neat little line came from an over-amorous man who simply refused to accept that I didnt want to go out with him. I tried to explain why, but his arrogant ego would not give me a gap either way...talking over me, interrupting me, getting shitty, attacking me, etc. These were the very reasons why I didnt want to go out with him. At 48, this man had little relationship skills and lacked the basic awareness to understand how his behaviour was sabotaging his love life! The inability to listen is one of the biggest causes of communication and relationship breakdown.

Hell, I am not perfect at this stuff myself...but based on how I have stuffed up or been at the receiving end of it, here's how I think stuff gets in the way.

1. The first act of love is to listen. Actively, totally in the zone of the other... absorbing, hearing.
2.Poor listeners are hard to have relationships with. Half the time is spent trying to clarify, remedy, nurse egos, manage perceptions, undo damage or feeling irrelevant because they're not listening anyway.
3. The above quote is incomplete. There's a third type of listener (or non-listener if you will!). Those that have so much baggage and self-esteem issues they cannot suspend judgement, analysis, prejudice or see beyond their own world. They project this onto what is being said, distort meaning and ruin honesty and openness- the very ingredients of trust and intimacy.
4. Modern technology is a wonderful aid to communication, except in times of conflict. Relationship difficulties have to be resolved eyeball to eyeball. Forget SMS, online chat, email. If someone doesnt want to talk things through, there is no respect for the relationship, commitment to the other and it suggests a lack of emotional maturity. Can a relationship like that work?
5. On the positive side, listening is a magnetic thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand. Listening well and responding appropriately is the highest perfection in the art of conversation.

Matt Groening, creator of The Simpsons and a modern-day Shakespeare has this to say on the subject: "You should listen to your heart, not the voices in your head."...and from The Land Before Time, this wisdom:"Let your heart guide you. It whispers, so listen closely."

Sounds so simplistic, and it is. If only Mr Groening could tell how to tell the difference between the voices of the heart and the voices of the head. But...perhaps thats precisely the point! Silence your own voices so that you can hear!